*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet