boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
(Musicians.)
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Best spot.. 😅
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.