I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
😍😂🥰😂😍