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@YesThatAmy: Define "no more Twitter or I will leave you."
@THINGDUMBPPLSAY: A Caucasian???
@wokkax3: Nobody's abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
@Thedudish: If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
@Jeff_G_Nixon: 3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret
"What it is, sweetie?"
3: [shouting] I POOPED!
"Do you know what a secret is?"
3: [whispering] no.
@AmishPornStar1: My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch...
And then eat seven dinners.