Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.