@joeveix: Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
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@Marlebean: That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's
@kristensauce: Things Red Bull has given me: 1) jitters 2) diarrhea 3) a heart attack Things Red Bull has not given me: 1) wings
@JillianKarger: ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now? BF: No, that's not how it— ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
@thatdutchperson: [blind date] Her: I'm a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m.. Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*