Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
You Might Also Like
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Usage Guidelines
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club