Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.