@omgthatspunny: Definition of a Will: It's a dead giveaway.
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@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@electrolemon: aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that's lots of places vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can't afford this
@HannahAntics: 30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.