*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.