Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
reminder
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Snapes on a plane.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale