Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Its true…
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse