@suruhh: delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.
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@SomthinBoutSara: If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
@dafloydsta: [speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
@weinerdog4life: Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
@PeterClayton6: My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.