”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?