Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
You Might Also Like
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
How high do the levels go?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.