*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.