No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Bobby pin
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.