Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.