*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender