*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.