*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.