Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Real House Wines.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Meat Cute
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”