“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.