*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.