I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.