Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Damn he played himself
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.