Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You Might Also Like
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
necessity is the mother of invention
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.