Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The morning after pill, but for tweets
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up