Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”