Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
#parenting
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.