@daemonic3: Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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@liv_thatsme: HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER: Hi, I'm your server. "Our son got a degree!" Wow! I have a Master's. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
@sween: I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@gerryhallcomedy: If anyone on the street asks for directions - give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!