DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
a fate I wish upon no one
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!