15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
People buying plungers never look happy.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834