DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Brands during Pride