[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending