[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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#inspiration #foodforthought
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
a badder mouse
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”