DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.