DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Florida man
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Any refunds available?…
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Become ungovernable.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
That’s classic.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder