demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Heroic Misunderstanding
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.