Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
That 👊
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.