Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
how much for the angry fruit?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.