Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist