Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears