INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
incredible text to wake up to
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.