Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My daily affirmation
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop