Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”