[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You Might Also Like
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.