Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.