[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Best spoiler warning ever
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent