[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
every single time
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?