Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
kids play hide and seek like
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!