Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.