Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.