Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Cheer up.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions