me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.