[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m already scared
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very